


You can't choose what stays and what fades away

by EponineTheStrange (gallifreyandglowclouds)



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-13
Updated: 2013-07-13
Packaged: 2017-12-19 07:54:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/881336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallifreyandglowclouds/pseuds/EponineTheStrange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Karen gets a text from Matt saying, "I love you, Kaz. I'm sorry. Goodbye." she knows something is wrong. The only thing she can do is contact someone they both know and pray that they find him in time while she gets the next available flight to the UK.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You can't choose what stays and what fades away

Karen takes the quickest of peeks at the screen of her phone while she’s watching the filming of a scene that she isn’t in on the set of _The List._

And then she swears less quietly than intended, and the AD standing beside her gives her a confused look.

The hand that isn’t holding her phone is covering her mouth, and she’s holding back tears and freaking out a little internally because what’s on the screen of the fancy new iPhone she’d treated herself to is not a text message that you want to see from anyone you love, not least someone who she was planning on seeing the minute that she stepped off the plane at Heathrow in a few weeks time.

_I love you, Kaz. I’m sorry. Goodbye._

No, no. Just no. There is something horrifically wrong, and she and Matt haven’t been in touch enough for her to know exactly what’s up. She knows one thing, though – she needs to get back to the UK as soon as conceivably possible.

She’s actually done filming the scenes that she’s in, so it’s not hard for her to slip away. She doesn’t even go back to her condo to grab clothes and things – she gets in a cab from the set straight to the airport, and while she’s on her way she texts everyone who might know what’s going on or who might be able to find Matt.

Arthur replies, _I’m still in NYC, Karen, but that’s worrying. Let me know when everything’s more sorted._

Moff promises that he’ll get in touch with Matt’s family, and Alex says she’ll call him and do all that she can to track him down. Jenna hasn’t seen him a few days but she’ll try to track him down. None of this is helping.

She replies to his text. _Hey, I’ve got a small army out searching for you. Don’t do anything you can’t take back, okay? If you can tell me where you are and what’s going on. I’m trying to get back to the UK as fast as I can, but no promises. Hold on, Matt._

* * *

The man at the American Airlines counter at LAX is typing so slowly that Karen could kill him. Finally, after four minutes of her drumming her fingers, he looks up from the computer screen.

“Our Los Angeles to Heathrow flight is full today,” he says, “but I can get you on a flight to O’Hare that’ll land you there in enough time to catch a flight from Chicago to London.” He looks at her and narrows his eyes. “No checked bags for such a long journey?”

Karen shakes her head. “It’s an emergency. I can buy clothes when I’m over there.”

He nods, and takes her credit card. When she’s got her tickets, she dashes through security and sits at the gate, tapping her toes and fidgeting until she can board the plane. Before she’s made to turn off her phone, she taps out one more  message to Matt.

_Don’t do anything stupid in the next couple hours. I’m on a flight from Chicago to London, so I’ll be seeing you soon. Please respond if you can. I’ll get the message when I land in Chicago._

As she stares out of the plains of the American Midwest, she bites her lip and tries to think about what the hell Matt is doing. The message was as full of desperation as any text message could be. So he’s going to commit some kind of horrible crime, which Karen does not think is likely even though he looks kind of tough with his new haircut, or he’s going to hurt himself, which pains her so much that she can barely consider it. She still harbours the same weird, complicated feelings for him that she did when they saw each other last in New York for the series 7 premiere, and absence has not dulled them in the least, and she cannot deal with the thought of losing him.

* * *

As she’s sitting at the gate for her flight to London, she realises that more than anything, she needs to hear Matt’s voice. So, roaming be damned, she dials his number in the vain hope that he’ll pick up. As the rings go by, she moves away from the area with the chairs and behind a concrete pillar.

“Hey this is Matt! Leave a message at the tone, and I’ll get back you as soon as I can.”

“Fuck, pick up you asshole,” she says. “Okay, sorry, if you’re going to do something awful like kill yourself, that’s not what you want to hear. You’re not an asshole. You’re the most amazing and wonderful person I’ve ever met, and I just want you to know that there are so many people out there who want you to be okay and are trying to find you and stop you from hurting yourself or robbing a bank or whatever you’re going to do that makes you think this is the last time we are talking. This will not be the last time we talk, Matthew Smith. I am going to talk to you on every goddamn day I am alive to do so, and I need you to know that I love you like crazy and I want to be able to actually tell you that, because the only time that I tell you that I love you shouldn’t be over a voicemail while I’m hiding behind a concrete post in a fucking airport. I will help you as much as I can, Matt. I will hold your hand and kiss your forehead and make you tea and biscuits and give you all the support I can give you. Just – just hold on for nine hours, okay? Nine hours and I’m back in London and we can talk about anything you want to talk about. Just – hold on for me, and I love you. Ten million times over.”

She hangs up, and then sinks to the ground behind her little concrete pillar and cries until her flight is called for boarding. She takes one more look at her phone before the flight attendant comes and tells her to shut it down because they can’t take off with it on.

There’s nothing from the UK yet. Karen hopes and prays that when she gets her cell signal back in London that he won’t be gone already. 

* * *

Frequent transcontinental and transatlantic travel has given Karen the gift of being able to sleep on almost any flight, but she can’t on this one. It’s the like the valley of the dolls up in business class, because presumably everyone has something they need to do to in London the next day so they all need to be refreshed, and it’s just her in her little pod watching _Avengers Assemble_ over and over again and trying not to completely lose her mind. The flight attendants want to murder her because she keeps on interrupting their conversations because of her ginger ale addiction. Whatever, she pretty much keeps British Airways in business, so they can deal with it.

She’s so tired that she can barely stand when they land in London, and she hasn’t brushed her teeth in fourteen hours and has been wearing the same underwear for… well, a long time. With shaking hands, she turns on her phone, and waits for something to happen.

There’s one message from Moff, and fortunately, it’s good news.

 _They found him. He’s in a hospital,_ and the address follows.

 _Thank god,_ she replies, _and thank you for letting me know._

There is no more information about Matt’s condition, but she trusts that if he’s in the hospital and not the morgue things are a bit less desperate. She hops in a cab, and debates bribing the cabbie to break the speed limit as he drives her in to London.

* * *

To her surprise, they take her up to the psych ward instead of the A&E when she asks the nurse when she gets to the hospital. Matt’s mom and Laura-Jayne are waiting outside of his hospital room. The three of them share hugs, and then Laura ushers Karen in to Matt’s room.

“They found him in a crappy hotel with a knife in his hand listening to that voicemail you left him over and over,” she says. “You may have inadvertently saved his life. He didn’t actually hurt himself, but he was pretty close.”

Karen nods slowly, and then looks at Matt. His eyes are open, but they’re glassy and unfocused.

“They pumped him full of drugs,” Laura whispers. “He was fucking hysterical when the ambulance got there, and the paramedics had to, because he still had the knife, you know? I don’t know when they’re going to lift, it – and oh, I should give you two some alone time.”

She barely notices Laura slip out, because she’s kneeling beside Matt’s hospital bed and pressing a gentle kiss to his wrist.

“Thank fucking Christ you’re okay, Smithers,” she whispers. “Because I’d have been furious – “ she stops, and wipes her eyes, “No, I wouldn’t have been. I can’t be mad at you ever. But, god, Matt, you’re here and that’s okay.”

“Kaz,” he says quietly, looking over at her. “Hey.”

“Hey back,” she says.

“You tired?”

“Yeah,” she says.

He budges over enough that she can lie on her side, pressed in to his shoulder.

“You let me take care of you from now, okay Matt?” she says. “That’s how it’s going to be for a little while.”

* * *

“I don’t even know, Kaz,” he tells her a day later, after the crazy meds that they gave him wear off, “I just snapped. I thought I was going to jump off a bridge or something, and I kept on getting all these messages from Jenna and Moff and Arthur and you and my parents, but I just wanted to die, and I still don’t know why. Something else broke inside when I heard that voicemail from you, and somehow that made me hold off. It all feels so far away, you know?”

Karen nods.

“I can’t believe you came all the way here for me,” he says, looking at her.

“You’d do it for me,” Karen says, resting her hand on his.

“Probably.”

“I was so scared.”

“I’m so sorry, Kaz.”

“Don’t be, Matt,” she says. “Something snapped, and that’s not your fault. You’re going to figure things out and you’ll get better, okay? I’ll hold your hand and whatever you need.”

“I just need you,” Matt says. “We’ll start there?”

Karen smiles for what feels like the first time in days. “I’m good with that, Smithers. But I can’t fix you on my own. I’ll help, but I’m going to leave that to the qualified professionals.”

“Makes sense. Love you, Kaz.”

“Love you, Matt.”

She wraps her hand in his. 


End file.
